It Feels So Scary Getting Old
by kennystrapqueen
Summary: As graduation approaches, the boys are forced to face the fact that life after high school might not be what they thought it would.


When Mr. Mackey pulls Kenny out of seventh period to tell him he's not going to be graduating high school, it's a - not entirely unexpected - kick in the gut, so Kenny just nods, thanks the old man for letting him know, and makes his way out of the office with a fake smile plastered on his face and a very real tear in his eye. As he heads towards the exit at the end of the hall, he reminds himself that he has bigger things to worry about, and, after he punches the fuck out of locker 226 one or two or seven times, he continues walking towards those big glass doors with eyes as red as his knuckles.

The second he's outside, he uses his shaking hands to take out a cigarette and light it. Kenny hasn't been on top of his schoolwork, and he knows it. He's known it for months now, but he had more important things to worry about.

Ever since they were kids, Kenny has been promising Butters that he would keep him safe, and as they grew older and closer, 'safe' had begun to mean more than sneaking into his room when he was grounded or putting Band-Aids on his scraped-up knees. It had come to mean that he would be the one to take Butters away from the so-called home that he was being held captive in. It had come to mean that Kenny would take care of him, that Kenny would live somewhere safe with him, and Butters would never again be held anywhere against his will. He would never see another barred window, and he would never be yelled at or scolded for anything. He would be loved and held and cherished and _appreciated_.

There was just one slight problem. Kenny barely had enough money to feed his siblings and himself. Sometimes he would use the money he should have spent on his own food on pot – as a side note, dying of starvation was not a great way to go – but he always made sure Karen and Kevin were okay. He might be self-destructive, but he was still _responsible_. His parents, on the other hand, were a lot of things, but responsible was not on that list. They spent the little money his mom earned at Olive Garden on meth and who knows what else – who _cares_ what else. The money Kenny pulled in from skipping school three days of the week to work at City Wok barely began to cover what was needed just for the essentials, so he had improvised. He started working weekends as a receptionist in an auto-repair shop. After the news Mr. Mackey had just given him, he was going to have to see if he could pick up some extra days. Hopefully he could start working all week.

Between his two jobs, there wasn't much time for anything other than sleep and making sure there was food in the house. There definitely wasn't time for homework or his friends, but he still walked the streets at night and pulled himself through the window that led into the Stotch's living room; Butters always made sure to leave it unlocked for him since his window was barred after an unfortunate incident involving Kenny waking up to Linda Stotch standing over him and screaming something about the corruption of youth. He still crept up the stairs and crawled into bed with the small blond boy. He still listened to every word the boy said, still kissed him on the cheek and held him while he fell asleep. He still made sure to have Butters set an alarm for four A.M. in his phone so Kenny would wake up, even though it was usually after midnight when Kenny got there. He still made sure he was out of the house before Linda and Steven even thought about waking up. He still does a lot of things for Butters that he could never imagine doing for anyone else.

He had hoped by some miracle that the administration would magically turn his Fs into Ds or ignore them and slap a diploma into his hand regardless. A high school diploma meant he could theoretically get a better shitty job. Kenny was okay with being a drop-out or a fuck-up, however people would prefer to think of him, but he wanted to be able to provide the best life for Butters, and for his own family, that he could. It had become his sole purpose in life. That's why he worked so hard to find jobs where people would pay him under the table, jobs that would let him work a few more hours than he would have legally been allowed to when he took them at only seventeen years-old.

Kenny waits outside until the bell rings, alerting him that school is over. He stands up and stomps out his cigarette before brushing himself off and waiting outside the doors for Butters to come out. He always walks him home on the days he actually comes to school; even though the bus ride would be quicker, it would mean that they would have less time together. When Butters finally makes his way out, he's smiling impossibly big, and he wraps his arms around Kenny immediately, laying his face on his chest and inhaling deeply. Butters has never liked the smell of smoke, but he likes Kenny. Over time he has come to associate one with the other.

They walk towards the gate, hand-in-hand, Butters completely oblivious to the snickers and hurtful words being hurled at him from the mouth of Eric Cartman. After the first few years of Kenny getting into fights over it, Butters had taught Kenny how to ignore things like that, how to allow himself to live in a world where it was just the two of them. Butters had taught Kenny lots of things.

Butters goes on and on about his day while Kenny just smiles and nods at him. It's not that he isn't listening, it's that he doesn't want to _stop_ listening, not even long enough to respond with a 'yeah' or 'cool'.

When they're halfway to Butters' 'home', he notices that Butters is fidgeting, sliding his knuckles back and forth against each other and avoiding looking over at Kenny. "What's wrong?" he says softly, trying not to push Butters into saying anything he doesn't want to. God knows his parents have forced him to do enough of that over the years.

Its then, only after a few seconds of silence and nervous gnawing on his bottom lip, that Butters drops the bomb that destroys Kenny's whole world.

"My parents are flying me out to NYU this weekend to audition. I-I'm real happy 'bout that! I didn't think they were gonna let me try out!" Kenny can tell that Butters is trying to hide how excited he is about it, and he can tell that Butters wants to ignore the fact that going away to NYU means going away from Kenny.

Despite the fact that his heart just got ripped out of his chest, Kenny still smiles and does his best to make it reach his eyes. "That's great, man! I hope you get in!"

Butters is practically glowing when he sees that Kenny isn't upset at him, and he throws himself at the taller boy, practically knocking him down in the process. He grips him tightly, like he never wants to let go. But if he never wants to let go, then why the fuck is he auditioning to go to a college all the way across the country?

It isn't that Kenny is mad at Butters for wanting to follow his dreams; he knows how Butters lights up when he dances, and South Park isn't exactly the best place for a tiny, dancing, gay boy to express himself. It's just that Kenny has been working so hard for so long to ensure they'll have a good life together, to ensure he can keep Butters _safe_ , and how is he supposed to do that when he's so far away? The only option would be for Kenny to move out with him, but then who would be here to take care of Karen? Kevin can barely take care of himself; he walks around in a drunken stupor all the time, assuming he walks anywhere at all. For the first time in a long, long time, Kenny doesn't know what the fuck he's going to do.

There's a small part of him, that he isn't proud of, that hopes the audition goes horrible. Maybe the music won't play right or Butters will trip, or maybe the evaluators won't like the way his hair looks. He's grasping at straws, and when he starts considering ways to sabotage Butters' tap shoes, he stops his thoughts abruptly because he knows in his heart he could never hurt him like that.

He pets Butters hair while they embrace, in broad daylight, in the middle of Bumfuck, U.S.A. When they finally pull back from each other and continue walking down the street, Kenny keeps his arm across Butters' shoulders, and occasionally leans over to kiss his cheek or whisper "I'm so proud of you". It's true; Kenny is so proud of him. He wants this for him, wants him to be happy and to have a chance at being something great. He's just terrified that someone will hurt him, and Kenny won't – can't – be there to protect him.


End file.
